Find out the latest news and topics of interest from Dr. James G. Hood, D.D.S., M.A.!
Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
Pitfalls of Adoption
Thursday, November 18, 2010
This is National Adoption Awareness Month, and the 20th will be the 11th annual National Adoption Day. This year the adoption month theme is “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.”
Kids were made to be in a family, with real parents. No family is perfect, and I don’t think I have ever met a perfect parent, have you? About the time parents near “perfection,” their children are all gone and living on their own. Though adoption is never perfect, I do think that parents who are considering adoption need to be perfectly prepared and informed before they take this big step.
Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood and fully appreciated by the adopted child (usually in their 20’s), they will understand God’s desire to adopt each of us to be a part of His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles, just as God often experiences struggles and sometimes rejection by His children.
It may seem from my following thoughts and warnings that I’m against adoption, but the opposite is true. In fact, I sit on the board of directors of an international adoption agency and some time ago I regularly worked with adoption agencies as the CEO of the National Association of Christian Child and Family Agencies. But I have to balance my own zeal for adoption with my experience of dealing with hundreds of parents who have contacted me over the years after running into an emotional firestorm when their adopted child reached the teen years.
Most of my experience has to do with the adopted kids who have come to live with us at Heartlight — kids who were struggling with serious behavioral issues. In fact, about one third of all the teens who have ever come to live with us in our residential counseling program have been adopted. That’s a pretty high ratio, since we don’t target helping adopted children in our program. I’m sure that none of the parents thought that they would have to send their child away one day, nor anticipate that things would go wrong. But things did go wrong…to the point that the child could no longer live at home. That’s big. It’s bigger than just big. I would call it a crisis. It is a situation that no parent would hope for when adopt, but it is something to be prepared for.
I have had parents tell me that they wish someone would have asked them some deeper questions before they made the decision to adopt. And others who say that they wished they would have listened when someone did try to forewarn them about the possible future emotional struggles or mental and behavioral effects of alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy by the child’s birth mother. Some have even shared how they wish someone would have stopped their adoption from happening.
So whose fault is it when something does go “wrong”? The adopted infant who, at the very least, had no say in the adoption? Or the older child when adopted, who out of a longing to have a family agreed to all conditions presented to him or her? Or the parents, who out of the goodness of their heart decided to bring a precious child into their family? Or the adoption agency that feels a call from God to help children and families by bringing them both together to fulfill one of God’s greatest plans? Or God Himself who created a world that has over 50 million orphans in it? You can figure all you want. But there’s only one thing that you have control over. As a parent, you can check your motives, see if adoption is right for you, and be prepared for everything that lies ahead. All things being equal among teens, the adopted child has more of a proclivity to struggle.
In fact, some adoptions cause quite a bit of pain and grief in the lives of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. But just because there’s conflict, it doesn’t mean that the adoption wasn’t meant to be. I believe that God uses all things, especially conflict and struggle, to work together for the good and bring about a good “end”. Your understanding of God’s faithfulness to you, should you find yourself in the midst of struggles in an adoption, will make all the difference in the world as you begin to understand what is happening around you. This understanding will usually determine how you respond, what you expect, and how you see the “bigger picture” of adoption in the life of your family, rather than just writing off something that was (and still is) so well intended, as just a mistake.
God has a plan. And if He has a plan for some people to adopt, He might also have a plan for some not to. I have met many people that have adopted. I have met many more that I hope will adopt. And I have met people who perhaps should not have adopted. Granted, it’s not my call. But it is my observation that some people have been motivated by wrong things, moved by emotion or a missionary purpose rather than logic and reason, and have made decisions about adoption that were not good choices for them. How do I know? They’ve told me, and these are the comments that I have heard:
“Why didn’t someone question what we were doing?”
“I think we got caught up in the excitement about adoption and really didn’t think about all the implications.”
“I never wanted this child, I was just being supportive of my wife’s idea.”
“This really isn’t what we thought it was going to be.”
“This child is destroying our marriage and ruining our family…what a mistake.”
“How could something that at one time felt so right…now feel so wrong?”
And because I hear kids who have been adopted say this:
“I always thought the biggest mistake was me being born….but I now think it was that someone allowed my parents to adopt me.”
“It’s almost as if I went from one bad situation to another bad situation, except people expect me to be thankful.”
“I’d rather go back to Ukraine (or any other country).”
“I don’t think my parents were supposed to have kids”
“Every one said that this was going to be so good…what happened?”
“Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is.”
A little chilling isn’t it? I’m sure that the parents who adopted never thought they would hear those words come out of their mouths. And I’m sure that those who were adopted (whether they were older or younger) would ever think that they would want a different situation or family. But in my experience, for the most part, even the worst adoptions tend to resolve themselves when the child turns a bit older; when their brain is fully wired. The transitional adolescent years are when most kids rebel (if they are going to rebel at all), and adopted kids often have physical or emotional scars that can make this time of confusion many times worse.
When rebellion comes to the surface, seemingly overnight, parents can’t help but have an “I deserve better than this” attitude. After all, they’ve saved the child from a less privileged life. They’ve given the child their love, their home, and so much more. Now the child slaps them in the face? That hurts! So, it can be a time when emotions run high. That’s why it is so imperative for adoptive parents to know how to act and what to expect, and to most of all not take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about the teen’s confusion and struggles. It requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of hatred and rejection. How severe or long that period is depends on the teen, but also somewhat how the parents respond to it.
Am I attempting to keep you from adopting? By no means. If the child isn’t adopted, they may live their lives without the presence and structure of the family to give them guidance, wisdom, love, hugs, birthday celebrations, and everything else a family offers. But be prepared for what lies before you, and don’t resort to thinking the adoption is a failure should the adopted child struggle through some pretty “heavy” issues in the teen years.
Adoption is a good thing, but it’s not for everybody. If I can get those who wouldn’t be good adoptive parent to choose not to adopt, then I have done a good thing by sharing these concerns. If they choose to go ahead and adopt, then I have also done a good thing by making them aware that issues might arise that they should be prepared to handle.
If you are considering adopting, pray about it, seek counsel, ask for honest answers to the difficult questions, and don’t get caught up in it as the “Christian thing” to do. By all means, don’t rush into it. Talk to people whose adoptions have gone well, and those whose have not gone well. Ask questions. Listen wisely. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” My point is this. Ask many people about the adoption process that if that is what you are considering.
If adoption is right for you, then pursue it with abandon. But if it’s not, don’t hesitate to say so, and know that God has another plan for you, for the child, and for your family’s life. Make sure each spouse and any remaining children in the family are fully on board, not just going along with it. Make sure that what you’re doing is the right thing to do….FOR YOU, FOR YOUR FAMILY and FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because if it’s the wrong thing to do, the child and your family will both pay a great price (and I’m not just talking about money).
If you’ve already adopted, embrace that which is before you and know that God has not abandoned you if things aren’t working the way you want them to. I guarantee that He is involved. Remember, any issue that does arise, can be worked through, dealt with, and resolved. You can get on the other side, whether that is a change in your child’s behavior and issues, your issues that you brought into the adoption, or the way that you view those issues that have landed on your doorstep. It’s merely a new test, a new challenge, and a new opportunity for change, in the lives of all involved. There is hope. There are answers. So, if you are at that point, please don’t hesitate to call me. I can help you through these issues.
If you have an adoption story you’d like to share with me and possibly our readers, please email me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.
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Your gift can change this family’s life
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s Angels in Adoption Program
Kim and Ben Green have made a difference in the lives of 11 children in need of a family.
You can be part of making a difference in their lives!
Banner Image
Dear Friend,
Through our Angels Wings Scholarship Fund, CCAI provides grants to Angel in Adoption honorees who cannot afford the travel costs associated with coming to Washington, DC to participate in the program. During the three days, Angels have the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet with and educate Members of Congress, learn about advocacy and networking opportunities, and share ideas with fellow adoptive parents, former foster youth and professionals from across the country. At the same time, their stories serve as a means to inspire countless others to step forward and make the same difference for a child in need.
Each year we get more requests for help than we can provide. So many of these Angels give every financial resource they have to the care of their children or in furtherance of the cause. These scholarships are just a small way of honoring them for what they have done.
Please help us make it possible for the Green Family and others like them to benefit from the Angels in Adoption program. Make a gift today!
CLICK HERE TO DONATE by September 15th!
(CCAI is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization and all donations are tax-deductible)
Pictured above is the Green family, selected by Congressman Rogers as a 2010 Angel in Adoption. All of their 11 children are adopted! As one of this year’s scholarship winners, the Green family will be among the 132 Angels in Adoption attending this year’s events in Washington D.C.
Please visit our website at www.ccainstitute.org or www.angelsinadoption.org.
Adoption Information
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dental Care Associates of Spokane Valley, P.S. and Dr. James G. Hood promote adoption on all levels. Dr. James G. Hood and his wife have adopted 12 children from the U.S. and from international countries. Dr. James G. Hood works to bring awareness for the growing need for adoption.
Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting for another who is not kin and, in so doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities from the original parent or parents. Unlike guardianship or other systems designed for the care of the young, adoption is intended to effect a permanent change in status and as such requires societal recognition, either through legal or religious sanction. Historically, some societies have enacted specific laws governing adoption whereas others have endeavored to achieve adoption through less formal means, notably via contracts that specified inheritance rights and parental responsibilities. Modern systems of adoption, arising in the 20th century, tend to be governed by comprehensive statutes and regulations.
Adoption has a long history in the Western world, closely tied with the legacy of the Roman Empire and the Catholic Church. Its use has changed considerably over the centuries with its focus shifting from adult adoption and inheritance issues toward children and family creation and its structure moving from a recognition of continuity between the adopted and kin toward allowing relationships of lessened intensity.
Forms of adoption: Contemporary adoption practices can be open or closed.
Open adoption allows identifying information to be communicated between adoptive and biological parents and, perhaps, interaction between kin and the adopted person. Rarely, it is the outgrowth of laws that maintain an adoptee’s right to unaltered birth certificates and/or adoption records, but such access is not universal (it is possible in a few jurisdictions – including the U.K. and six States in the U.S.). Open adoption can be an informal arrangement subject to termination by adoptive parents who have sole authority over the child. In some jurisdictions, the biological and adoptive parents may enter into a legally enforceable and binding agreement concerning visitation, exchange of information, or other interaction regarding the child. As of February 2009, 24 U.S. states allowed legally enforceable open adoption contract agreements to be included in the adoption finalization.
The practice of closed adoption, the norm for most of modern history, seals all identifying information, maintaining it as secret and barring disclosure of the adoptive parents’, biological kins’, and adoptees’ identities. Nevertheless, closed adoption, may allow the transmittal of non-identifying information such as medical history and religious and ethnic background. Today, as a result of safe haven laws passed by some U.S. states, closed adoption is seeing renewed influence. In safe-haven states, infants can be left, anonymously, at hospitals, fire departments, or police stations within a few days of birth, a practice criticized by some adoptee advocacy organizations as being retrograde and dangerous.
How adoptions originated
The New York Foundling Home is among North America’s oldest adoption agencies. Adoptions can occur either between related family members, or between unrelated individuals. Historically, most adoptions occurred within a family, though. The most recent data from the U.S. indicates about half of adoptions are currently between related individuals. A common example of this is a “stepparent adoption,” where the new partner of a parent may legally adopt a child from the parent’s previous relationship. Intra-family adoption can also occur through surrender, as a result of parental death, or when the child cannot otherwise be cared for and a family member agrees to take over.
Infertility is the main reason parents seek to adopt children they are not related to. One study shows this accounted for 80% of unrelated infant adoptions and half of adoptions through foster care. Estimates suggest that 11%-24% of Americans who cannot conceive or carry to term attempt to build a family through adoption, and that the overall rate of never-married American women who adopt is about 1.4%. Other reasons people adopt are numerous, although not well documented. These may include wanting to cement a new family following divorce or death of one parent, compassion motivated by religious or philosophical conviction, to avoid contributing to perceived overpopulation out of the belief that it is more responsible to care for otherwise parent-less children than to reproduce, to ensure inheritable diseases (e.g., Tay-Sachs disease) are not passed on, and health concerns relating to pregnancy and childbirth. Although there are a range of possible reasons, the most recent study of women who adopt experiences suggests they are most likely to be 40–44 years of age, currently married, have impaired fertility, and childless.
Unrelated adoptions may occur through the following mechanisms:
Private domestic adoptions: under this arrangement, charities and for-profit organizations act as intermediaries, bringing together prospective adoptive parents and families who want to place a child, all parties being residents of the same country. Alternatively, prospective adoptive parents sometimes avoid intermediaries and connect with women directly, drafting contracts through a lawyer (these efforts are illegal in some jurisdictions). Private domestic adoption accounts for a significant portion of all adoptions; in the United States, for example, nearly 45% of adoptions are estimated to have occurred through private arrangements.
Foster care adoption: this is a type of domestic adoption where a child is initially placed in public care. Its importance as an avenue for adoption varies by country. Nevertheless, the example of the United States is instructive. Of the 127,500 adoptions that occurred in the U.S. about 51,000 or 40% were through the foster care system.
International adoption: involves the placing of a child for adoption outside that child’s country of birth. This can occur through both public and private agencies. In some countries, such as Sweden, these adoptions account for the majority of cases (see above Table). The U.S. example, however, indicates there is wide variation by country since adoptions from abroad account for less than 15% of its cases. More than 60,000 Russian children have been adopted in the United States since 1992, and between 1995 and 2005, Americans adopted more than 60,000 children from China. The laws of different countries vary in their willingness to allow international adoptions. Recognizing the difficulties and challenges associated with international adoption, and in an effort to protect those involved from the corruption and exploitation which sometimes accompanies it, the Hague Conference on Private International Law developed the Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption, which came into force on 1 May 1995 and has been ratified by 75 countries, to date.
Embryo adoption: the state of Georgia in the United States of America is the first jurisdiction to include human embryos in it adoption laws. Conservative evangelicals are the primary supporters, considering it a recognition of embryo life and a mechanism to save that life. These developments in adoption law are not without critics, however, even among religious communities. While the Catholic Church has not announced its support or opposition to the adoption of embryos, its theologians are divided on the issue with some deeming it a “grave violation of nature,” and others viewing it as an act of charity. In the absence of adoption laws, embryo relinquishment has occurred under property laws, being transferred from one set of individuals to another. As of 2003, 400,000 embryos had been frozen in the United States alone and an estimated 2% or 9,000 were available for donation; the rest were reserved for future use by the parents or for medical research.
Common law adoption: this is an adoption which has not been recognized, beforehand, by the courts, but where a parent, without resort to any formal legal process, leaves his or her children with a friend or relative for an extended period of time. At the end of a designated term of (voluntary) co-habitation, as witnessed by the public, the adoption is then considered binding, in some courts of law, even though not initially sanctioned by the court. The particular terms of a common-law adoption are defined by each legal jurisdiction. For example, the U.S. state of California recognizes common law relationships after co-habitation of 2 years.
How adoptions can disrupt
Disruption refers to the termination of an adoption. This includes adoptions that end prior to legal finalization and those that end after that point (in U.S. law, the latter cases are referred to as having been dissolved). The disruption process is usually initiated by adoptive parents via a court petition and is analogous to divorce proceedings. It is a legal avenue unique to adoptive parents as disruption/dissolution does not apply to biological kin.
No known official statistics track the number of disruptions in any country. Some ad hoc studies, performed in the U.S., however, suggest that between 10-25 percent of adoptions disrupt before they are legally finalized and from 1-10 percent are dissolved after legal finalization. The wide range of values reflects the paucity of information on the subject and demographic factors such as age; it is known that older children are more prone to having their adoptions disrupted.
Parenting and development of adoptees
Biological ties are the hallmark of parent-child relationships, and its absence has caused concern throughout the history of adoption. No less an authority than Jessie Taft, a pioneer in the professionalization of adoption services and herself an adoptive mother, commented on the difference in adoptive parenting, “No one who is not willfully deluded would maintain that the experiences of adoption can take the place of the actual bearing and rearing of an own child.”
Along these lines, a Princeton University study of 6,000 adoptive, step, and foster mothers in the United States and South Africa from 1968-1985 indicated that food expenditures in households with non-biological children (when controlled for income, household size, hours worked, age, etc.) were significantly less, causing the researchers to speculate that, instinctually, people are less interested in sustaining the genetic lines of others. Moreover, the perception of similarities between adoptive parent and child appears important to successfully parenting. In relationships marked by sameness in likes, personality, and appearance, both adult adoptees and adoptive parents report being happier with the adoption.
Nevertheless, there is evidence that adoptive relationships can form along other lines. A study evaluating the level of parental investment indicates strength in adoptive families, suggesting that parents who adopt invest more time in their children than other parents and concludes, “…adoptive parents enrich their children’s lives to compensate for the lack of biological ties and the extra challenges of adoption.”
Beyond the foundational issues, the unique questions posed for adoptive parents are varied. They include how to respond to stereotypes, answering questions about heritage, and how best to maintain connections with biological kin when in an open adoption. One author suggests a common question adoptive parents have is whether, “Will we love the child even though he/she is not our biological child?” A specific concern for many parents is accommodating an adoptee in the classroom. Familiar lessons like “draw your family tree” or “trace your eye color back through your parents and grandparents to see where your genes come from” could be hurtful to children who were adopted and do not know this biological information. Numerous suggestions have been made to substitute new lessons, e.g., focusing on “family orchards.”
Adopting older children presents other parenting issues. Some children from foster care have histories of maltreatment, such as physical and psychological neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, are at risk of developing psychiatric problems. Such children are at risk of developing a disorganized attachment. Studies by Cicchetti et al. (1990, 1995) found that 80% of abused and maltreated infants in their sample exhibited disorganized attachment styles. Disorganized attachment is associated with a number of developmental problems, including dissociative symptoms, as well as depressive, anxiety, and acting-out symptoms.
Cultural variations in adoption
Attitudes and laws regarding adoption vary greatly. Whereas all cultures make arrangements whereby children whose own parents are unavailable to rear them to be brought up by others, not all cultures have the concept of adoption, that is treating unrelated children as equivalent to biological children of the adoptive parents. Under Islamic Law, for example, adopted children must keep their original surname in order to be identified with blood relations, and, traditionally, observe hijab (the covering of women in the presence of non-family) in their adoptive households. In Egypt, these cultural distinctions have led to making adoption illegal.
Dr. James G. Hood can help give you further information about adoption from his own experience. There is a growing need for loving foster families and children to be adopted.
Our dental practice welcomes adopted children, foster children, and foster or adopted children and their families as patients.
We also are one of the few dental practices that accept Department of Social and Health Services (DSHS) coupons as full payment for our services.
Attachment Disorders & Reactive Attachment Disorder
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Symptoms, Treatment & Hope for Children with Insecure Attachment
If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference. A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. Although it is never too late to treat and repair attachment difficulties, the earlier attachment issues are recognized, the easier they are to resolve. With the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, attachment repair can and does happen.
Understanding attachment problems and disorders
Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.
So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.
Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.
What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:
- A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.
- A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.
- No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.
- A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
- A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.
- Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.
- The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.
- A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).
- The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.
As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.
Early warning signs and symptoms of insecure attachment
Attachment problems fall on a spectrum, from mild problems that are easily addressed to the most serious form, known as reactive attachment disorder.
The earlier you spot the symptoms of insecure attachment and take steps to repair them, the better. With early detection, you can avoid a more serious problem. Caught in infancy, attachment problems are often easy to correct with the right help and support.
Signs and symptoms of insecure attachment in infants:
- Avoids eye contact
- Doesn’t smile
- Doesn’t reach out to be picked up
- Rejects your efforts to calm, soothe, and connect
- Doesn’t seem to notice or care when you leave them alone
- Cries inconsolably
- Doesn’t coo or make sounds
- Doesn’t follow you with his or her eyes
- Isn’t interested in playing interactive games or playing with toys
- Spend a lot of time rocking or comforting themselves
It’s important to note that the early symptoms of insecure attachment are similar to the early symptoms of other issues such as ADHD and autism. If you spot any of these warning signs, make an appointment with your pediatrician to determine what the problem may be.
Comforting a Crying Baby
It’s common to feel frustration, anxiety, and even anger when faced with a crying baby—especially if your baby wails for hours on end and won’t calm down. Equally frustrating is a baby who seems indifferent, who won’t cuddle or make eye contact with you. In these situations, you need to find ways to get your own stress into balance. When you’re calm and centered, you’ll be better able to figure out what’s going on with your child and soothe his or her cries.
Read: When Baby Won’t Stop Crying: How to Comfort and Soothe an Upset Baby
Signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder
Children with reactive attachment disorder have been so disrupted in early life that their future relationships are also impaired. They have difficulty relating to others and are often developmentally delayed. Reactive attachment disorder is common in children who have been abused, bounced around in foster care, lived in orphanages, or taken away from their primary caregiver after establishing a bond.
Common signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder
- An aversion to touch and physical affection. Children with reactive attachment disorder often flinch, laugh, or even say “Ouch” when touched. Rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as a threat.
- Control issues. Most children with reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to prevent feeling helpless and remain in control. They are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative.
- Anger problems. Anger may be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior. Children with reactive attachment disorder may hide their anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high five that hurts or hugging someone too hard.
- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.
- An underdeveloped conscience. Children with reactive attachment disorder may act like they don’t have a conscience and fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly.
Inhibited reactive attachment disorder vs. disinhibited reactive attachment disorder
As children with reactive attachment disorder grow older, they often develop either an inhibited or a disinhibited pattern of symptoms:
- Inhibited symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. The child is extremely withdrawn, emotionally detached, and resistant to comforting. The child is aware of what’s going on around him or her—hypervigilant even—but doesn’t react or respond. He or she may push others away, ignore them, or even act out in aggression when others try to get close.
- Disinhibited symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. The child doesn’t seem to prefer his or her parents over other people, even strangers. The child seeks comfort and attention from virtually anyone, without distinction. He or she is extremely dependent, acts much younger than his or her age, and may appear chronically anxious.
Parenting a child with an attachment disorder: What you need to know
Parenting a child with insecure attachment or reactive attachment disorder can be exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally trying. It is hard to put your best parenting foot forward without the reassurance of a loving connection with your child. Sometimes you may wonder if your efforts are worth it, but be assured that they are. With time, patience, and concerted effort, attachment disorders can be repaired. The key is to remain calm, yet firm as you interact with your child. This will teach your child that he or she is safe and can trust you.
- Have realistic expectations. Helping your child with an attachment disorder may be a long road. Focus on making small steps forward and celebrate every sign of success.
- Patience is essential. The process may not be as rapid as you like, and you can expect bumps along the way. But by remaining patient and focusing on small improvements, you create an atmosphere of safety for your child.
- Foster a sense of humor and joy. Joy and humor go a long way toward repairing attachment problems and energizing you even in the midst of hard work. Find at least a couple of people or activities that help you laugh and feel good.
- Take care of yourself and manage stress. Reduce other demands on your time and make time for yourself. Rest, good nutrition, and parenting breaks help you relax and recharge your batteries so you can give your attention to your child.
- Find support and ask for help. Rely on friends, family, community resources, and respite care (if available). Try to ask for help before you really need it to avoid getting stressed to a breaking point. You may also want to consider joining a support group for parents.
- Stay positive and hopeful. Be sensitive to the fact that children pick up on feelings. If they sense you’re discouraged, it will be discouraging to them. When you are feeling down, turn to others for reassurance.
A note to parents of adopted or foster care children with reactive attachment disorder
If you have adopted a child, you may not have been aware of reactive attachment disorder. Anger or unresponsiveness from your new child can be heartbreaking and difficult to understand. Try to remember that your adopted child isn’t acting out because of lack of love for you. Their experience hasn’t prepared them to bond with you, and they can’t yet recognize you as a source of love and comfort. Your efforts to love them will have an impact—it just may take some time.
Repairing reactive attachment disorder: Tips for making your child feel safe and secure
Safety is the core issue for children with reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems. They are distant and distrustful because they feel unsafe in the world. They keep their guard up to protect themselves, but it also prevents them from accepting love and support. So before anything else, it is essential to build up your child’s sense of security. You can accomplish this by establishing clear expectations and rules of behavior, and by responding consistently so your child knows what to expect when he or she acts a certain way and—even more importantly—knows that no matter what happens, you can be counted on.
- Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.
- Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.
- Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. For children with insecure attachment and attachment disorders, conflict can be especially disturbing. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.
- Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what.
- Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change.
WACAP Placed Families Update – June 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Dear Placed Families,
Summer is here! If your vacation plans are bringing you to the Pacific Northwest, we hope you’ll stop by our office and pay us a visit!
WACAP News
Have you ever been to the Success Stories page of the WACAP Web site? This page showcases adoptive families’ success stories in their own words to demonstrate the power of adoption to prospective parents. We know you’ve got great adoption stories to tell, and we hope you’ll share them with others! If you’re interested in appearing on the Success Stories page, submit your story here. Also, don’t forget to join our WACAP families Facebook group!
As a reminder, if you’ll be in the Seattle area on Saturday, August 14, we hope you’ll join us for our annual Kids Day event! This celebration full of fun and family at Woodland Park hosts about 500 guests and is sponsored by Wizards of the Coast. Keep an eye on our Web site for a registration form, coming soon.
Tips From the WACAP Social Services Department
Are you wondering if you’ll ever get a good night’s sleep again? Sleep issues are often adoptive parents’ number-one concern, especially in the first few months after their child comes home. Here are some tips that may help you get some shut eye.
Classes and Seminars
Heart of the Matter Seminars is offering a new online adoption webinar entitled “A Different Kind of Discipline.” The course focuses on why traditional discipline techniques don’t work on internationally adopted children and helps parents identify techniques that will be more effective. The course is offered on July 7 at 7 p.m. CDT, and the cost is $15.
Resources
The BG Center Online School is a collection of post-adoption learning materials compiled and offered by professionals who work with internationally adopted children on a daily basis as psychologists, researchers, therapists and speech/language pathologists. This fantastic resource features online courses and a rich library of adoption-related articles, among other things. We encourage you to check it out!
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